A NEW DESIGN (2018)

420 million light years away from Earth in the tail of the Tadpole Galaxy, there is a planet called Mendacium. Unbeknownst to most this little good-for-nothing planet is home to the finest institute of design in the cosmos.

Izmeldung the institute’s top planet designer hovers at his desk. He turns to planet 9 commissioned by King Gizeh of the Gizeh Dynasty as temporary storage space for his 850,000 pipe smoking rabbits.

The planet nine brief reads as follows: something unparalleled, never created before, orange. 

Costing 1.5 trillion credits this will be the most expensive planet Izmeldung has ever designed. But an episode of flick-block [as it’s commonly known in the industry] has become an impenetrable wall that Izmeldung cannot break through.

Across the tiny office Debbie gets up from her desk, Izmeldung watches her, she is one of those [awfully tasteless, in his opinion] oohmans, how she ever came to work on Mendacium Izmeldung will never know. Debbie is tall and graceful, quite the opposite from Izmeldung who is blue, short and almost as round as a bowling ball. At this precise moment Izmeldung’s light bulb turns on and quite literally too, Izmeldung has a forehead feature that can be likened to the Angler Fish of Earth’s oceans.

[Izmeldung’s internal monologue] If I were to turn Debbie 45 degrees anti-clockwise, trace those slender shapes of her shoulders, eyes, knees and thighs, I would have a truly unique blueprint for a planet’s surface. A perfect place for 850,000 pipe smoking rabbits. 

This is his design.